4.2 So where does this leave me?

I know that people will think that I'm wrong and I've gone astray somewhere. That I'm making a grave mistake not only for me but my family as well. I know people will feel let down. Or that I've turned out to be something unexpected, or worse, unacceptable. Once, I would have had some similar thoughts. But I've got to a point where I need to move on for my own sanity.

Leaving is painful, especially if your family and social group are Christadelphians and want you to be as well. I am at the point where I can understand why there are people who feel bitter and resentful towards the Christadelphians after they leave. For me, it is only once staying has become a more painful experience than I expect leaving to be that my time has come to move on. This is well after I would have waved goodbye in any other walk of life. When everything else is stripped away I am left with two options: the pain of staying or the pain of going – not a great choice and in the end the lesser pain wins out.

I tried my hardest to confirm what is strongly believed by others, and once was by me, but my upmost endeavour has not changed me back to a person of faith. Some will see this was a weakness and say that I should have relied more on God and less on myself but I can’t be a fideist which leads to 'salvation for the luckiest'.

I recognise that I've changed, not others, and I know that this is a relationship changer - just mentioning that you are questioning your faith is a relationship changer. I have to leave how others relate to me in their hands. I have every intention of maintaining those relationships as best I can myself. I hope that in the end I will be accepted as someone who has thought long and hard about these things and, knowing that eternity is at stake, has arrived at different conclusions.

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